You go out, AND YOU GET IT.

Al Pacino's Inch by Inch speech, was just the thing i needed to hear. With the sort of tension in my head right now.

You hav to follow one simple mantra in life.YOU GO OUT, YOU FIGHT YOUR HARDEST AND YOU WIN. Plain and simple.

 

Life, is pretty much ruthless but there's always going to be something out there just for you. All you have to do is get out there, and grab what you really want. The journey is hard, but the victory is sweet. Oh, so very sweet.

 

 

Not a bad case of nerves, not crying, not whining, not paranoia- NOTHING can change your destiny for you or even affect it. Its YOU- all the *ucking way.

 

And you're never alone if you stand tall. you have your friends, your family, the people who love you- whether you win or lose.

 

And what is loss anyway? just a hurdle along the way to remind you, you're still on the racetrack. And that you HAVE to finish the race. 

 

your faith in yourself and the fact that everyone in this world is the best at his own game, will take you where you're meant to be.

 

Like my frend always says- you've got to look Life in the eye and say "Game on, Bitch. Game On."

 

SO BUDDY, GET OUT THERE- AND TAKE ON THE WORLD. 

coz that one naive idiot who once said, its not about winning or losing but how you play the game- may just be right.

 

oh the NERVES!

so,

what do you do when you have a bad case of nerves, so bad, you're practically shivering-

1) Eat a Chocolate- Check

2) Down a spoonful of sugar- Check

3) Meet a friend- Check

4) Hug someone- Check

5) Eat a butter-laden dosa- Check

6) Exercise- Check

7) Watch TV- Check

8) Sing Loudly and Badly- Check

9) Listen to Music- Check

10) Try reading something- Check

 

What do you do when nothing works?

BLOG.

does it work?

NOPE

Solutions to the *STRESS* problem

Stress: the consequences of the failure of the human body to respond appropriately to external stimuli.

Niyati’s Stress: the confusion created when her Super Ego(conscience for the idiots here) overrides her natural desire to choke the living daylights out of someone who really needs it.

So there.

I admitted the real reason why I’m on a hiatus.

Exam’s in 4 days. And I don’t want to study. And I know its alright. I am not worried about the exam, but I need it to be OVER. NOW.

So I am going to come up with ways to deal with this-

1) Shove a printer up someone’s arse.

2) Take a chart paper. Draw a circle. 

      Write in it- Bang Head Here. 

      Read it. And do what it says.

3) PROZAC

4)Think about George Bush.

    HAHAHAHAH. Works like a charm.

5) Take a tomato. Go down. Throw it on the street and watch a car squash it under it's tyre.  Sadistic but Pure Pleasure.

6) EAT.

7) Beat your best friend up.

8) Put on the Music you hate THE MOST

9) Break a glass. 

    Tell mama your maid did it.

10) Scream. Not into your pillow. ;)

please note: This does not spell the end of the hiatus but is the culmination of a couple of requests(read:begging on knees) for a post.

will be back on 3rd june

Hiatus

ATTENTION!

Beloved People-who-bother-to-read-NLFO,

                         The wRiter who Rants is on a  temporary hiatus due to unforeseen circumstances. You shall now have to find an alternative last resort for entertainment till 3^rdJune,2009. She can be found in never-never land for the next ten days where she is attempting to search for a treasure which may be the solution to all the problems in life. She still loves all of you for reading and then coming back for more rubbish. But certain events have forced her to escape and rethink her policies and opinions. The previous statement may quite possibly be a lie to cover up writer’s bloc or her inability to come up with entertaining posts. You are requested to give her the benefit of doubt and come back for more on the above mentioned date. A new post shall await you then. Thank you for wasting your time. May the force be with you.

-The Most Amazing Moderator in the World

                                                                                       (The alternative personality inside of the schizophrenic writer who claims to be the blog moderator.)

Dear God(open letter)

Dear God,

I dropped by yesterday,

At your place.

Very pretty by the way. Gives off very positive vibes. Was wondering if it was feng shui.

Well so, since you weren’t there and I was waiting, I decided to look around for a bit.

I came across a shelf and there was a drawer wide open.

It was full of books. All with a person’s name engraved in gold on the cover. I saw my own and naturally picked it out.

I flipped open to the first page and I started reading. It was the story of my entire life. Every moment was recorded. All the good things I had done were written in gold and the bad things were in black. I kept reading, thinking that you’d have written my life out for me. I jumped to 25^th may 2009 and then turned to the next page hoping to read my future. But it was blank. I wondered if I was dying but I knew I wouldn’t. so I turned one more page. It said- “In the future, fuck around with her life a little more. I enjoy watching her upset”.

Now I know you don’t like me.

Thanks. But try being a little nice because I still love you.

Niyati

Life is a Bitch

Not fitting in is one of the most depressing things in the world.

the only thing worse is being accepted, acknowledged, loved and then thrown out unceremoniously.

That's why i feel very Bad for Pluto.

you can't even use the mnemonic

my very educated mother just showed us nine planets. :(

its now,

my very educatd mother just showed us.

It sounds like an innuendo. :(

Sorry Pluto. I still love you.

i really understand how you feel.

 

 

I'm a very dull person, so i'm in a sad position like you too :(.

See how life's a bitch??

International Rules for Womanhood

i was bored.

and i came across this.

SO, i wrote this :)

THE INTERNATIONAL RULES OF WOMANHOOD

1) It is mandatory that you check out every girl walking on the street who is at least a tad bit hot.

It is also acceptable to tell the man you're walking with, "She's HOT" till she can't hear you,

 

2) After complimenting another woman, it is permitted that you turn around and bitch about her to your best friend.

   

3) You shall never go to the washroom without at least one other girlfriend from your group.

  

4) All women find other women hot and have small crushes on them. Especially if the other woman is Julia Roberts or Penelope Cruz. Its genetic.

 

5) You don't think logically when you're crying or upset or annoyed. That's like asking Navjot Singh Sidhu to never use idioms.

 

6) It is okay if you can't use a piece of technology after reading the ENTIRE instruction manual. It's perfectly normal.

 

7) Retail therapy works. If you claim otherwise, you're lying.

 

8) It is okay if you cry under ANY and ALL circumstances. It's allowed.

 

9) You must remember the birthdays and anniversaries of all your friends. If you forget your girlfriends first date anniversary you may be ignored for 6 months.

  

10) When you comprehend "men like girls with a sense of humour" as you should crack jokes, it is at your own risk. More often than not, it means- "She should laugh at all my jokes".

Also, laugh at a man at your own peril.

 

11) You can fantasize about Daniel Craig or want Hugh Jackman to take off his shirt in a movie forever. The guy cannot watch Beyonce dance on TV.

 

12) When splitting a bill when you're out with girls, you may use your calculator and still not know who must pay how much.

 

13)If you drop your friends as soon as you get a boyfriend, you will live to regret your decision.

 

14) Your best friend's brother, boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, love interest, ex- love interest is immediately off limits.

 

15) You always make the rules. You always win. You can change the rules at your discretion.

16) You know the guy will always want to watch ESPN. But you're ALWAYS allowed to whine about it even if you want to watch it too. If only to trouble him.

 

17) You don't fight with a man over the directions to the place you're going to.  Especially if you're interested in him.

 

18) When you're fighting with your boyfriend, you can bring up something hurtful he said six months ago. Even if you know he didn't mean it and he has forgotten he ever said it.

 

19) Even if you love Bipasha's new Bob or Mandira Bedi's new Pixie hairdo, you don't cut your hair. Apparently, Men crib about it. They don't understand fashion.

 

20) Even if you want to win all the time, if it's something he's passionate about, let him win. It has greater benefits.

21) The man is expected to read the woman's mind. You must not tell him why you're upset at him. Are you crazy?

 

22) If you become predictable, you change. The guy can never know all the rules.

 

23) You never have enough clothes. Or enough shoes.

 

24) Don't say you like the action movie you just watched even if you did. You'll never be taken out for a romantic comedy again.

 

25) If you're a girl. You're a gossip. Its genetic.

Cheaters Prosper.

TV lover that i am, i was just watching celebrity apprentice. the 2008 edition sadly because that's how late we get good shows in India.(the saas-bahu ones are in abundance, mind you).

they have all big names and stuff- Nadia Comaneci, Piers Morgan, Gene Simmons, the works.

Now their first task was selling hot dogs.

No business principles, Nothing.

the men, especially Gene Simmons of KISS called in big-shot friends who just donated money in the form of 5000$ cheques.

AND THEY WON. 

Though the girls did it right and did it the hard way.

SCREWED UP.

 

Like one of my friends, once, famously said- "Hardwork is over rated in India."

 

i'd like to rephrase-

 

"Hardwork and honesty are over rated in India"

 

and cheaters always prosper.

 

Really you know..

What's the bloody point, when a bunch of cheaters, who are good at what they do, are just going to walk in through the door, do their sinful, immoral stuff and get away with it anyway.

 

see the case with my upcoming exams-

the papers got stolen.

they didnt get away with it.

but they managed to get it delayed by two weeks.

Well done boys. Well done.

Even if they did not get the questions they will definitely benefit from the two extra weeks of study and the hard workers are bound to suffer.

And even on the final day, a bunch of people will cheat. And do well for themselves.

They may burn in hell and stuff. But life on Earth is pretty great for them. And we're not sure if Hell even exists.

  

moving forward,

its so much simpler to cheat. and now there are so many more options.

i could pay my way through school, i could paper-peep my way through school, i could paper-steal my way through school.

hell i could even edit transcripts or buy a degree or buy a seat or use political influence for the same.

it's all possible in India. 

it should be the country tag line-

We're a Corrupt Country- Come Cheat your way to success.

Aaaaaargh!

we're so good at cheating now it runs in our veins. Scam accused? Indian? Ya- he's your man.

Its so accepted now, it's not even wrong- it's become the intelligent way of life.

 

because whether you like it or not- it's a winner's world. winning at all costs is the only thing that matters.

 

someone once said that winning isn't everything and if you believe that- you're either naive or have been playing football for Arsenal since the last 3 years.

DAMN. Life gives nice people a bunch of things to deal with.

No wonder nice guys finish last.

but still. stick to the basic rules and don't cheat. Please.

 

Apologies

I shall not blog today because i'm a crouching mosquito searching for the next human whose blood i can suck. 

sincere apologies,

Niyati Gandhi

Some of my favourite things in life

Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens

Bright copper kettles and warm woolen mittens

Brown paper packages tied up with strings

These are a few of my favorite things

When the dog bites
When the bee stings
When I'm feeling sad
I simply remember my favorite things
And then I don't feel so bad.

 

 

So, if the stupid thieves from lucknow wouldn't have stolen the paper, i would have been finished with my exams today and would be free. BUT I'M NOT. And it SUCKS.

so i spent the day doing my favourite things.(read:sleeping and eating at my favourite restaurant).

i'm still a teeny weeny bit upset. so i decided to list my favourite things. That's GOT to make me happy :). so here goes-

 

MY FAVOURITE THINGS

1) Really fat babies who find it hard to smile because of the amount of fat in their cheeks :)

2) Stray doggies and kitties who curl up next to your feet when you're at an open cafe.

3) Being sent flowers :)

4) Sleeping till your body wakes you up saying it's tired of sleeping.

5) Putting your iPod on shuffle mode and it suddenly playing your old favourites.

6) Surprises. But only when you don't know there's going to be a surprise.

7) Meeting kindergarten teachers/old friends in the Mumbai local.

8) Missing your sibling and lying to her that you'd rather have the room all to yourself.

9) Swallowing raindrops. But only till you don't remember that it may be all acidic thanks to the pollution.

10) Hugs. Especially when you're cranky. :)

 

it works! it works!

The carnival which takes place once in five years

So, the 2009 general elections are over and the results are out.

The Gandhi dynasty reigns on in India and yet again

Singh is King.

My election wishlist has been fulfilled in all but one aspects.

Damn, Mallika Sarabhai didn’t beat Shashi Tharoor.

:P

Now the only thing I have to wait for is Rahul Gandhi to become PM.

It will give me a non-nerdy reason to follow politics.

 

btw- just some trivia- did you know? the last time BJP faced such an apocalyptic defeat was in 1991?

the similarity between the two elections was that L.K.Advani was the star campaigner both times :P

so indian voters don't want an ugly, old PM.

Singh is an exception he's not weak. He's strong. He's a Complan Boy :) 

Why are girls so bitchy?

    i went to a friend's house today. i entered the house and since results came out today her mother asked mine. after i finished, i mentioned the score of one of the girls my friend and i regularly bitch about. i referred to her in one of the mock-y names we generally use for her. and aunty laughed and said- "you girls are so mean na?". right then, i let the moment go by but later, i gave it a second thought.

      now giving it a thought didnt take much time because the topic's been playing on my mind since a week. someone's been trying to teach me how not to be bitchy and register all this bad karma in God's Book. the fact that i'm so bitchy has begun to bother me now.

              I am of the female sex so being bitchy is inherent. the things that come out of my mouth, i am certainly on the path to being smacked in the teeth. But NOW, i'm having an epiphany and thinkng that no one goes very far in life by being bitchy. and no one gets very far by calling other women bitches for no reason.

              It is sad, I don’t really understand the need for the drama. Can’t chicks just get along? Can’t everyone just get along in general? So much stress and shit like this is because people have crap attitudes and obviously blab to the wrong person about certain things. Why are women so bitchy?

homosexuality is GAY.

so homosexuality is okay and all.

i mean,

all you have to do is tolerate it.

to each his own and stuff even though it may be against the forces of nature.

really

that's what the indian law (section 377) says.

its unnatural.

so now they're frustrated.

in mumbai if they have a march or something

no one's gonna pay the slightest attention.

so they strike at the heart.

the mumbai trains.

i mean-

be gay if you want to. stop touching straight men in trains!

it's like, its a normal day. hot, sweaty, crowded trains. you're standing in a train. and WTF! someone's touching you!

QUITE SCREWED UP.

 

its lucky for me that the females aren't jumping out of the closet all over the place.

the only thing i need to see is men walking hand in hand or sitting with their arms around each other. but i feel bad for my friend. let me quote him-

""dude... you have no idea...

i'm standing in this crowded train

suddenly.. i feel this rubbing... so... i think it's accidental

then... there's proper grabbing!! :O"

 

i could only laugh. 

i could ONLY laugh.

i think it all started when people realizd snagglepuss and spongebob are gay. oh ya- and popeye.

 

No Creative Energy

I'm in this kind of a mood where I:

1. Don't want to talk to people who will just try to change my mind about what I already am concrete about.
2. Feel like dancing, but don't feel like cleaning my room so said dancing can take place
3. Am pissed at the world.
4. Feel like I have accomplished nothing all day
5. Just feel like a गाववाली(villager).
6. Want to break something valuable.
7. Wish so bad that I could just find something to fill this void I've been feeling lately
8. Could stop having all these thoughts running through my mind

A note on #8: I haven't been thinking in complete sentences. My thoughts have been pictures, not words. This hardly ever happens. I'm a writer, so naturally my thoughts are either written or spoken, but my current thoughts are pictures. I'll try to show you what I'm seeing:

10 things that make the place a nicer place to live in

1- Telephones, cell phones and text messaging. Really! what would happen if i don't get to talk!

2- The concepts of Love and Happiness and the fact that they're NOT lies.(paritosh?)

3- How-to books for technology. Bless the people who write them.

4- Real people who look like Greek Gods. Men who look like Daniel Craig and Hugh Jackman and women who look like catherine zeta jones and penelope cruz. (i assume viraj and vikram agree?)

5- Football. Especially english football. come on. hot men running around for ninety minutes playing one of the greatest games ever dressed in very well designed sportswear?

6- iPods. iPods with a full battery during long journeys. Bliss***

7- Disneyworld. no explanation required.

8- Complete strangers who exude an overwhlming amount of genuine kindness. Always appreciated.

9- Google and wikipedia- the solutions to everything in  life.

10-The fact that any man can look like a God if he wears a white shirt, blue jeans and a pair of rimless glasses.

 

:D and ofcourse,

the knowledge that there are more than these ten things that i love about the world and make it a very VERY nice place to live in.

India's a funny place to live in

India is a funny place to live in. the extremes make it so. and so the whole world thinks ou're from this third world country where tigers are vegetarian because half the country is and you use elephants as a mode of transport :P

P.S- this piece is an unoriginal tribute to my beloved little corrupt country where nothing works without something criminal, inappropriate, sinful or immoral. so here goes-

Impeccable english. Absolutely impeccable.

Q. I saw on TV that people there walk on burning coals. Why do they do that? 
A. We don't have shoes. So we burn the bottom of our feet to make it hard so that we can walk. 

and people even fall for this one.

i'm serious. there were many takers according to the shopkeeper.

 

Q. What does that red dot on women's forehead mean?
A. Well, in ancient times, Indian men used to practice archery skills by target practicing by aiming at their wife's red dot. In fact, that is one of the reasons why they had many wives. You see, once they mastered the art of archery and hit the target.... 

haha! sorry. it's just funny.

 

Q. Do you speak Hindu? 
A. Yes, I also speak Jewish, Islam and Christianity. 

Why do you need to come of age to drink when you can drink child beer?

  

Q. India is very hot, isn't it? 
A. It is so hot there that all the water boils spontaneously. That is why tea is such a popular drink in India. 

do you understand?

 

Q. How come you speak English so well? 
A. You see when the British were ruling India, they employed Indians as servants. It took too long for the Indians to learn English. So the British isolated an "English-language" gene and infused their servants' babies with it and since then all babies born are born speaking English.

Q. Is it true that everyone there is very corrupt? 
A. Yes, in fact, I had to bribe my parents so that they would let me go to school. 

rock on fai ba! a gujju play.

now, I'm scared.

Q. Does India have TV?
A. No. We only have cable. 

Q. Are you a Hindi? 
A. Yes. I am spoken everyday in Northern India. 
 

Q. Are there any business companies in India? 
A. No. All Indians live on the Gandhian prinicples of self-sufficiency. We all make our own clothes and grow our own food. That is why you see all these thin skinny Indians - it is a lot of hard work. 

courtesy Keith D'souza(i didn't ask- but i'm not taking the credit either)-

 

pps- India is not a thirrd world country. it is one of the fastest growing economies of the world full of wonderful people and wonderful places. we are advanced. the dark ages have PASSED in our country as well. so please- GET OVER IT ALREADY.